WHERE: Loch Ness, Scotland.
A couple, who we’ll call Donald and Elaine, are standing at the edge of the lake. A grizzled old man in a boat comes up to them.
OLD MAN: Mornin’!
DONALD AND ELAINE: Mornin’.
OLD MAN: Beautifully murky day, isn’t it?
DONALD: Very murky, very murky.
ELAINE: I didn’t expect this much fog today.
OLD MAN: You people are out here looking for the monster, aren’t ye?
DONALD: You caught us.
ELAINE: How’d you know?
OLD MAN: I can tell about people when they come to my lake. I’ve been out on this lake my whole life.
DONALD: Your whole life on this lake? Was that dangerous at all?
OLD MAN: Danger knows no bounds in this lake man. I’ve seen things you won’t imagine! Things that will blow your mind! Bizarre, unnatural things that you wouldn’t even discuss with your mother.
DONALD: Like what?
OLD MAN: Well, have you ever seen a fish?
OLD MAN: Well I’ve seen at least 30 ALL AT ONCE. They were swimmin’ together like they knew each other!
DONALD: I believe that’s what fish do.
OLD MAN: That’s what they do here, because this is a crazy lake.
ELAINE: What else have you seen?
OLD MAN: Wellll, I was rowin’ around this lake once, and my oar got caught!
OLD MAN: And I pulled and pulled and pulled with all my might to get it back.When I did, you know what was on it?
ELAINE: What?! What?!
OLD MAN: SEAWEED. A ton of it. Wrapped around my oar. I almost lost it to seaweed. Treachery in every corner of this here lake.
DENNIS: None of this sounds dangerous.
OLD MAN: NOT TO A LAND LUBBER LIKE YOU.
DENNIS: I think I could do any of this.
OLD MAN: What about THIS scenario: You’re out in your boat in the middle of the day and everything’s quiet. All of a sudden, you hear a rumble. A loud rumble.
DENNIS: Uh oh.
OLD MAN: The whole boat starts to shake. Ripples are emitting from under your skiff because of the insane shakiness of it all. You think you might be in an earthquake and this could be the end of you. All of the sudden, that’s what you realize—that’s when you realize—that rumble—-it’s—-it’s——
DENNIS: WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?
OLD MAN: It’s your STOMACH! You’ve been out on the sea all day and you didn’t realize until then you haven’t even had a meal. So you go back into shore to eat but that takes another 30 MINUTES and by then..YOU’RE STARVING.
ELAINE: I thought you were talking about the monster.
OLD MAN: Hunger is a monster. A wild, uncontrollable monster. And the scariest thing about it is that it’s ALWAYS INSIDE YOU.
DENNIS: But that’s not the kind of monster we care about. We want the other kind of monster.
OLD MAN: What other monster?
ELAINE: You know, the Loch Ness Monster. The big water lizard that people have been sighting.
OLD MAN: What???
DENNIS: You’ve never heard of this?
OLD MAN: You think I talk to people?
ELAINE: And you’ve never seen anything?
OLD MAN: YOU THINK IF I SAW A GIANT WATER LIZARD I’D STILL BE ROWING ABOUT ON THIS STUPID LITTLE BOAT?
DENNIS: So you’ve never seen the Loch Ness Monster?
OLD MAN: WHAT? NO. GOD NO. HOW HORRIFYING.
ELAINE: That’s a disappointment. Oh well.
OLD MAN: Quick, grab my oar! Pull me in! I need to get out of this boat!
DENNIS: Eh, I feel like you’d just pull me in. And I don’t want to be wet.
OLD MAN: PLEASE. I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THIS MONSTER. THAT’S AWFUL. HELP ME!
ELAINE: You’ll be fine. We have to go.
Dennis and Elaine leave.
OLD MAN: PLEASE! COME BACK! I DON’T WANT TO GET EATEN BY A LIZARD. OH NO, NOW WE’RE TALKING ABOUT EATING. NOW I’M HUNGRY, WHICH IS THE OTHER MONSTER. AW MAN, PLEASE HELP ME! I’M FIGHTING OFF TWO MONSTERS! I DON’T WANT TO GO, I HAVEN’T SEEN ENOUGH DANGER YET!
AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.